Warning: lost post ahead.
It’s the end of the year again. This year went by soooooo fast. omg!
All right, I’ll cut the fluff.
Any time I learn something about myself or my character, I feel immense gratification; not only because I can use that knowledge to better myself (if it is improvement that needs to be done), but also because it means that I’m lowering my pride, admitting that I don’t know everything, to let somebody speak into my life.
I love it. Almost to a fault. Because I crave this so, I assume that others share my sentiment, and sometimes I’m unknowingly abrasive with my comments toward them. It’s usually the downcast expression or painful silence that follows that gives me the hint.
This has been the year where I’ve been the most honest with myself. I finally started to admit my faults, sharing with others my pains and struggles, and became extremely motivated for self-improvement. Of course, it wasn’t an instant turnaround, but rather a process that took more time than I care to admit.
But it was nice. I was getting up early every morning to exercise, then I would do my best to eat healthy during the day and study up on future interviews that I would be planning to take in the coming months. I was practicing piano and bass again, keeping up with my personal relationships, and getting better at those games I so loved. Things were going so well, and then…
I got hit by a car.
The morning of August 19th, at around 7am. I was crossing the street at a crosswalk and a car struck me, going probably around 35 or 40, the sun ostensibly in the driver’s eyes. I awoke in the hospital that day at 3pm, with very vague recollections of beginning to cross the crosswalk, blacking out, then regaining consciousness to call my mom on my phone. I don’t know why I tried to call my mom. Presumably to tell her that something had happened. I blacked out again before it went to voicemail.
I went in and out of consciousness in the hospital; I don’t remember anything about the ambulance ride, but I remember the doctors and nurses asking me basic questions like “what is the date today?” and being able to answer them with clarity and brevity. I could not, however, tell them what exactly I was doing in the hospital, my family around me.
The moment they told me I was struck by a car, two things happened: first, I didn’t believe them, then those memories came flooding back, at a speed that was almost painful. What had I been doing that I didn’t see the car flying toward me? How come I wasn’t able to get out of the way? Why didn’t my mom pick up her phone during this obvious emergency? Who contacted my family after I lost consciousness?
Regardless, I was in the hospital and was stuck there for four days–sent there with a fractured radius (picture of the x-ray) and skull, along with all the symptoms of a concussion one could ask for. I had to get surgery to fix that arm (x-ray post-surgery). Friends and family came to visit, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
I would only learn later that I was struck by an SUV (a Mazda CX-7 to be exact), my head hit the windshield and ruptured it, and when the police arrived on the scene, I was 25 feet from the crosswalk where I had been walking.
The following months haven’t been fun. I haven’t been able to fully return to work, since I’ve been visiting doctors and chiropractors several times a week (and am, to this day). I lost motivation to exercise and to study, simply because I couldn’t and didn’t have to. I still can’t/don’t have to, but now I’m entering a state of complacency that I would really rather avoid.
I also learned recently that I have an AVM in my brain and the neurosurgeon wants me to get treated as soon as possible, through surgery. How did I find this out?
Well, in my haste to get back to working health, I was careless with the surgical wound on my arm and consequently got it infected. I tried to wait it out but it wasn’t getting any better, so I went to the doctor to get some antibiotics for it. The pharmacist who handed me the medication said that it would be best if I ate before taking the medication, but that it was not required. But I would eat before taking the antibiotics, just out of convenience. Except once.
That one time had me back at the ER with vertigo and nausea like I’d never felt before. In an effort to find the root of the problem, my chiropractor recommended me to a radiologist (who does MRIs and other brain scans) to see if there was anything awry in my brain. There was not, but through the MRI, the radiologist found something anomalous in my brain and called me to return the next day.
Thus, the AVM was found. It’s 4mm by 6mm, but can still cause major problems given the right circumstances. It’s most likely hereditary in my case, not having been caused or even affected by the accident. But the neurosurgeon that saw my case recommended I get treatment as soon as possible. I’m not convinced. I’m awaiting a second opinion.
But as I said, it’s been a struggle. To get back on my feet. To get running again. To get motivated to do something other than play video games. To hide the pain, emotionally and physically. It’s been hard to control my emotions and keep a cool head like I used to be able to. I’m not really sure why. I’m much more irritable now, and more easily angered. And I haven’t been able to sleep very well.
That’s been my year. 2017 will be different, for better or for worse. But what I’m looking forward to the most is all the time I’ll have. The adage is, “time heals all wounds,” and I’ve never believed or appreciated it until now. Until…the end of 2017, I suppose. We’ll see what happens. What the new year has in store for me. For all of us.
I’m just glad the year is over.