It’s November.
College has only made time go by more quickly. This has been totally unexpected. I’ve had five weeks of school, which means that I’ve been to school fifteen days so far. Ain’t that a doozy?
One of my close(ish?) friends recently got a girlfriend. I think this is his first girlfriend, but it still took me by surprise. He didn’t seem like the girlfriend-going type, what with his putting up a front and all. For some reason, this made me re-evaluate myself and my relationship with women. What am I trying to get out of it? Where am I going? Will it cease to exist? Will it begin?
It probably didn’t take much for you to realize that I’m struggling through this. This is one of the areas of my life where I feel the least confident, but for some reason I don’t really care. This is contrary to the mentality of most boys my age (of which, hopefully, I’ll soon grow out), but I take pride in being mentally mature and cautious of the things I do.
Which brings up another problem. I’m too cautious of the things I do. I don’t want to dive into relationships because I’m afraid of what will happen if things go wrong, which I’m sure will happen. My sole fear of pain is what’s keeping my life where it is–I can’t grow in any direction. I can take physical pain, as long as it’s rational, but any emotional or mental pain will drive me absolutely insane.
I’ve realized these things about myself for quite a while. The only problem is, I don’t know how or necessarily want to change them.